Meg Jay: Why 30 is Not the New 20

As I was contemplating a topic that addresses a major concern I have as a parent of young adult children I was looking through some speeches on Ted Talks and found this fabulous clip on young adult behavior and how their actions or inaction can shape their future adult experience and the rest of their life. This clip was filmed in February of 2013. Meg Jay uses many of Dr. BJ Fogg’s Behavior Change Model points as she goes through and explains her theories as a psycho therapist who focuses mostly on this most important decade in a young person’s life.  In our times young adults tend to put off school, marriage, family and careers. They are happening later and later. Is this a good thing? Let’s see what Meg Jay has to say about it.

The first element from this behavioral model that must be present is the motivation to change.  Jay discusses the components of fear that some of her clients feel as they finally realized that their twenties have just passed them by and they have nothing to show for it. A lot of times, that isn’t enough motivation for someone to change what they are doing. Especially when they are thigh high in the midst of the good times. They fear the work necessary to make the changes to be successful. Jay points out that the twenties is the time to be preparing for your thirties. Take advantage of the opportunities to explore jobs and prepare for marriage. This is the hope side of this equation. Twenty somethings, as she calls them, should be taking this time to prepare themselves for the future.

When a twenty something first leaves the nest they are so excited to experience all that life has to offer them. Even if it involves going against what their parents may wish for them. The seek pleasure in life and freedom from the rules that they had as teens. This is how a lot of young adults live their lives until one day the pain of an unfulfilled life comes knocking at their door. That pleasure can soon turn to pain as they realize that they are almost thirty and they aren’t prepared for a successful future. They realize that in order to get the things they want, they will need to make changes. Whether it’s going to school, finding a new job, or dumping the partner they are with and finding one that has more ambition for a better life. This is where the true pleasure will be found. It is in making those changes that will lead them down a road that they are wanting.

Another part of Fogg’s motivation element is cohesion or social acceptance or rejection. The media has downplayed the importance of twenty somethings and the importance of this crucial period of brain development. It has been painted as socially acceptable to remain stagnant and not moving forward. Young adults have been told that they have plenty of time to enjoy being young. This decade in a young adult’s life has been trivialized with words such as “extended adolescence” and nicknames such as “twixters” according to Jay. When our twenty somethings hear these things it’s easy to follow the path that is easy and fun. There is a certain acceptance or approval of this slow progress in some parts of society. If their friends are doing it, and mom and dad don’t say anything, then it must be alright. Eventually reality will hit and they will realize that time is up and they need to make some changes.

The second element that must converge for behavior change to happen is abilities. In order for a twenty something to do a 360 and follow a completely different course, they must have the ability to do so. Jay talks about how it’s more difficult to make these major changes all at once and how enormous the pressure is to do so if one waits too long. This is one reason why she suggests that twenty somethings take advantage of the time that they have during this decade to really focus on what they want and how they are going to get it. For example, child bearing reaches its peak at 28 years of age and after age 35 it becomes tricky and more complicated.

The third element that Fogg discusses is triggers. These are calls to action, an offer, a request or a cue. Throughout Jay’s speech she talks about the importance of not wasting time. One trigger I feel that she used effectively was the thought of marrying the wrong person just because one felt like they had to get married. She points out that a lot of twenty somethings get into convenient relationships without understanding the consequences of what they are doing and a lot of times find themselves in unhappy marriages as a result. She brings up the inability to have a child due to waiting too long to start a family, or even having a single child and not being able to provide a sibling that is so desperately wanted.

Using the elements of Fogg’s behavioral Change Model is a successful way to create an affective consequence as well as a cognitive effect in not only the twenty somethings themselves but also in family members who may want to help one of them to move forward with their lives. Jay uses statistics of careers as well as fertility as a way to inform her audience of the consequences and advantages that she was trying to portray. Most of her speech, however, focused on the affective side of persuasion. Emotion is a very effective way to sway others opinions or to at least get them to consider another point of view.

Throughout Jay’s speech she covered many concerns about twenty somethings and their actions or lack of action. Then she covered the premise of need and gaining control of their lives. After all, who else is going to do it for them? She talks of gaining some identity capital. By this she means that they need to “do something that will add value” to who they are or an “investment in who they may want to be next.” She also discusses the importance of choosing likeminded peers who have the same ambitions and values. It’s important for them to create a new circle of friends when making these changes.

Another premise that Jay uses is that of emotions. Bringing up stories of people who feel lost, lonely, and unsuccessful. This creates a sense of urgency and a call to action. It points to the triggers that can encourage change in those that are struggling with the desire to move forward to a successful and accomplished life. She also uses a story of a young woman, Emma, who takes hold of her advice and makes those changes in her life and changes her future for the better. Emotions can be use both ways. Jay draws pictures of how we don’t want things to be, but she also uses the positive side to inspire hope and motivation in her audience.

The third premise that is present in Jay’s speech is that of attitudes. Not only of the twenty somethings that she works with but in society as well. The attitude that one’s twenties is a time for fun and freedom discredits the importance of focusing on the future. While part of the population is enjoying a life of easy going fun and relationships that aren’t meaningful, the others are out there making their mark in the work force, getting an education and doing all that they can to ensure their career, marriage, family, and later years are laced with success and happiness.

Jay used the premises of needs, emotions, and attitudes very effectively in making her point. As a parent of a few twenty somethings, her speech helped me not only see that maybe some changes need to made, but I also have hope that it’s not too late. Of course the changes aren’t mine to make, or perhaps even suggest, but the premise of the speech and the information shared was valuable none the less.